Gettting back on the bike

My original blog was like home. I left everything there. It is so hard to move. I feel like this new place is nothing more then four walls and a roof. No color, no sound, no fresh smells of tortillas cooking or cafe con leche. It's just sterile.

Dishes

I had a dream about her last night. She was getting ready for the wedding. My cousin got married yesterday. She had to pick out an outfit and did not care for the pink print and flowers of her top. It had shoulder pads and she laughed at it. My grandmother was there too. I remembered that in my dream I woke up... at least I think I was dreaming and cried. Who knows... I may have been crying and went back to sleep. Just thinking about it, I'm a mess... Iwas washing the dishes and now I sit here in the kitchen typing and crying. I miss her. It's so unreal.

The Future

I'm teaching sessions at a local Cal State this week. My audience... 12 year old females. I know some the the girls from a previous program I work with. Smart girls. The mini conference is based on Math and Cultura. The professora was concerned about the chaperons and their interactions with the girls. I saw her concern. I interjected as much as I could about Art, Culture and Self Value, however the teacher in the mini skirt did not support my words visually.

Week one

Time does go fast. Sometimes I just stand out in my yard and wonder what life would be like if I could just stay home. Would I be the type to get all "Martha Stewart" or would I go "Peg Bundy"? Random Thoughts.

week one

July 08, 2010

Yesterday I said I was back. Yes I am.
we'll start this out slow. I have had a great disconnect to almost everything after my nina died. Don't get me wrong, I still put on the most lavish holiday parties and wrap presents with all the trimmings, even attend all the social functions we are invited to... but it's all motions. I am still unfulfilled, empty and sometimes distant. I know this. I recognize it. Last time I went down this road there was a therapist involved. At least this time I am aware of my actions.
This next fiscal year, yes I live by fiscal years... not standard Gregorian calendar, I know I will be back on my game. For a year I took a back seat to my own life, so unlike me.

It's funny, many of us have different aspects of their lives and some only show glimpse of that life... for example this world vs. my face book world are so different. Facebook has my happy time updates, my photos and common salutations or congratulations. Yet here on the blog, which I have documented my life on for the last 6 years, it's the other me. The angst ridden, frustrated, pondering me. The other blog I shut down was one I started in my 20's. I'm 33 now. Life perspectives truly do change as you get older. I guess in a round about way, this is why I decided to change blogs.

are you still out there?

two months later...
I used to blog weekly.
after last year I was lost. Living day by day.
but I am here
I am back
time to write.
I can't keep it all in my head anymore.

Easter

I'm going to be a god mother, a padrina, a nina. I'm looking forward to it. The problem is that I find myself think about the dress a lot. My god daughter is a little thick and we may have a hard time looking for a dress. The first time this came up as an issue I immediately though, oh My nina can make her a dress... my nina passes away from cancer last year.... 10 months ago. I still crumple down at times a cry. I miss her. It's almost like I have not gone to visit and I just need to drive over to say hi. The problem is she is no longer there. The house is no longer there, she is not even buried anywhere. So I carry her. I carry her in my thoughts, I carry her in my memories, I carry her.

Chapter 2

I shut down my other blog because it was time. A chapter in my life closed, even if I was not ready for it to close. So here I am. Starting fresh.